RSS Feed

Ten Years of Loss

Posted on

It seems incomprehensible that it’s been 10 years since I got the phone call that you’d died. Incomprehensible, in part, because at the time it seemed beyond the realm of possibility that I could go on living without you.  I didn’t realize at the time that losing you would be ongoing, because we lose people in tiny increments, feeling additional bits of loss along the way as I see things that you would have liked, or things that remind me of you.  In that sense, it’s never over.

The world has changed a lot since you’ve left us.  I think of how we could have stayed in touch with Facebook and Skype. But the fundamentals have stayed the same: family and friends.  It’s always painful when I hear people talk about their sisters.  The reality is that no one wants to talk or hear about my sister, because she is dead, and it makes people uncomfortable.  I don’t warm up to people the way I once did, and I suspect this is a permanent change.  Some things that are broken can never be fixed.

I hope you find it amazing that we have given 36 scholarships away with your life insurance money.  I remember you and I sitting in coffee shops on our various trips to Vegas, talking about our dreams.  Never in our flights of fancy did we imagine this ending, but it turned out pretty noble and I think you would like that.  I’ve learned to expect neither too little nor too much from life; it simply is.

For many years I thought I would never be truly happy again.  I cried rivers when you left, and I still feel robbed of your presence.  Things will never be the same of course, but life did go on well for me.  There is a little blonde headed girl running around my house who crinkles her nose when she laughs – so reminiscent of the aunt she never knew.  She laughs a lot.  She’s a great reminder that nothing is permanent; we are all here for such a short time, and our main purpose is to nurture the next generation.


About tdkf

The Deana Kendrick Foundation was formed in 2003 to honor the memory of the late Deana Kendrick. Preferential consideration is given to students of Ozarks Technical Community College in Springfield MO and Foothill/Deanza students in Palo Alto California. Applicants must be 30 years of age or older. To date, over 46 scholarships have been granted.

One response »

  1. It seems a long time since Deana left us and I still feel her loss everyday. However, she would be pleased to know how many women have been helped by her insurance money. So much good from a lovely, strong lady. Sometimes, I can just see her beautiful smile with the little crinkles around her eyes, so much like her little niece, Ella, whom she has never seen. What a legacy….to have touched and changed so many lives. I would to God that could be said about me when I am gone!! Deana, I am so proud and honored to have been your mother and to have shared thirty six years of your life. RIP, my love.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: