Twenty years? It can’t have been.

It seems surreal that you’ve been gone for twenty years.  I feel like a part of me stopped existing that day.  When Deana died, it was like she passed right through me.  I felt her absence so profoundly because I spoke to her every day.  She knew me since the day I was born.  It took forever for me not to think it was her every time the phone rang.  Or to not hit speed dial on the way home from work.  Still today I feel the need to call someone and then I stop and think, who do I call?  I could call a million people and it won’t ever be her. I can go google map her old address and she still won’t be there.

I had good intentions when I started the foundation, but the truth is sometimes I was too close to her to do the work.  I assigned either too much meaning or none at all to the scholarships granted.  I’m always happy when someone graduates.  I’ve lost track of the number of scholarships, because some of the ladies we’ve rewarded for multiple semesters. But somewhere is a file with all the names, some of whom are friends on Facebook and have kept in touch.

I still have a cedar chest full of memories of her, but it had to be pared down when we sold mom’s house and mom had treasure troves of memories to go through.  It was both happy and bitterly sad to look through all of her stuff again.  You would think the sheer and utter loss of it all would lessen with time, but they are correct when they tell you grief comes in waves.  I hadn’t ever realized that a typhoon of waves could hit 20 years later. 

She is both everywhere and nowhere, and it’s a hard juxtaposition to live with.

Ironically, today is Giving Tuesday. If you would like to donate to the spring scholarship, you may send it to:

The Deana Kendrick Foundation
c/o Kay Litchy
3622 W. Sexton St.
Springfield MO  65810

I will send you a tax receipt via email if you include your email address, or otherwise I will mail you a receipt.